When I was seeking help at Kaiser for chronic fatigue and depression I tried to find out how much things would cost because I kept getting bills that seemed way out of proportion to the benefit. The doctors won't tell you. "Call this number." I did. I was told that something would cost $50. because of a deduction. I got a $3,000. bill. All correspondence went through a long and elaborate process, while I was charged late penalties and kept getting bills. I was the "bad guy," and that hurt. It hurt a lot because this has happened a lot in my life. Someone hurts me, then refuses to own up, and rather than getting an apology, I am turned into a criminal or a bad guy in some way if I don't allow myself to be abused.

When this happens in childhood the most painful moment of all is having to apologize to the abuser, who pretends that the reality in which you were abused does not exist, but the reality in which they were wounded by your reaction to their abuse does exist. To the observer this is all glossed over: "People have different memories. Who knows what really happened." But I knew exactly what happened. Someone with power hurt me. They didn't want to look bad. No one wanted to confront them. I was left carrying the bag, and apologizing, so that everyone else could save face.

The worst part of this moment is the loneliness: The fact that my feelings of rage, helplessness and hurt, of smallness, pain and grief are not comforted, honored, understood or responded to. Because they don't have a right to exist in a reality in which I must have exaggerated, misunderstood my abuser and just been "too sensitive." I have been alone with these feelings for a life-time, shamed for remembering, shamed for still having feelings that were so painful I could not face them alone and not one person would go in with me.

I observe the gravitational pull of an institution turning $50. into $3,000. and pretending I'm not paying my bills on time into a life-story. That's what happens with unresolved trauma and PTSD from childhood abuse. I can't stop my body reacting to the entire cycle of abuse and the memories that this brings up.

The helplessness is the worst. So I did the only thing I could to protect myself. I bought a phone-recorder that automatically turns on every time a call begins and turns off when the call ends. It records and records and records. For that one situation or two in a year when I really get hurt from believing what someone told me and then being asked to pay the price. It's not that I push it in most cases. It's that I get the satisfaction of looking up the recording and asking myself: "Are you crazy? Are all these people telling the truth but you are too sensitive? Are all these people having perfect memories and it's all your fault?" When I hear their voices saying exactly what I remember them saying I feel calmer: "No, it's not my fault. No, I'm not going crazy. I have honor in this situation. And I can offer to play them the tape."

I mention this as prelude to why this site exists. It is in fact the biggest conflict of my life because it is the only time I have paid professional mental/emotional healers, commonly known as therapists, to re-enact many aspects of my childhood trauma. And because it is important to understand what denied childhood abuse, sanctioned and willfully ignored by church, community, school, parents and government does to a young person. It breaks a child's spirit when they are induced into feelings they don't know how to deal with, are abandoned in those feelings, and blamed for what they did not do. And when this wound does not get addressed it's very easy for things in the adult world to get pulled into the gravitational pull of that wound. The lens of unresolved betrayal has a distortion field that amplifies the very real and circumstantial betrayals of the present time. This site is a challenge, in it's way, to the way our government, parents, teachers, churches and therapists treat the majority of children who suffer from abuses that our culture is so emotionally numb and blind to that it passes for "normal." It is normal in our culture, which leads to another thing that is normal in our culture: obsession. Addiction or compulsion to drugs, alcohol, therapy, work, violence, self-mutilation, sex, porn, sugar, video games, bing-watching. It is all around us, masking pain that is not being examined.

Remember the worse thing about the abuse: Loneliness: The phenomena in which who we are, what we feel, think and have experienced  does not exist to protect the abuser. Unfortunately with trauma that becomes PTSD, the pain is stored outside of the logical portion of the brain in chemicals within the body that do not deteriorate with time. Every time a trigger occurs the pain is relived again and again at the original intensity. That means, in a trauma-illiterate culture in which I only learned what the word meant two years ago after 150k in therapy, that many abuse survivors lives have been absolute hell.

Peter Sandhill, it has been 15 years since you explained that the bulge in your white sweatpants in our first private session at your house was an erection, that you were bisexual, were attracted to me, wanted to open up your marriage, were looking for a male lover and that we could explore that in team workshop. Me, a homosexual virgin who came to you looking to deal with the effects of trauma I did not have a name for. When your recommendation came that I pay you $600. to do MDMA with you at your house together, I had nowhere safe left to go and I stopped work, learning nothing but that reactions happened in my body around you that scared me - and that in your eyes this was my fault.

In 2014 I was suicidal. 30 HAI workshops had not done any more than absolutely crystallize in my mind the exact reasons I could not win in relationship, while still not having a name for my condition. That name is Complex PTSD. At a L4 in which I was falling to pieces you were unusually kind to me and I remembered that you had encouraged me to take MDMA with you. You were my first sitter for my first psychedelic substance and I chose you because I thought I would be safer with you than anyone else I could thing of. One of the greatest terrors of someone with PTSD is being out of control and swept back into timeless helplessness in the form of memories that are stored vividly in the body outside of rational regions of the brain. 
All this is on a 10 hour recording so that I could remember the session, following suggested protocols by therapists who have provided protocol guidance. I asked you not to take any substance so that you could be the objective one and look out for me. Your only question to me was what color shirt I wanted you to wear. After I stalled you for 90 minutes in sheer terror you promised to take a stand that no man has ever taken for me, and be there no matter what.

The high dose was dissociative and left me saying over and over again: Your love is the most important thing. I was five years old, out of control and hanging on to his father.

You suggested that I add MDMA to the session, and again suggested it 30 minutes later when I did not take you up on it.
You told me an hour into the session that you had not told your wife about the nature of the session, thus making me a divisive force in your marriage for the second time without giving me choice.

You told me you were done with the fact that you had hurt me in 1993, when the role of a therapist is to go with what comes up to be said for the patient, not to direct the session away from what the therapist does not want to face in themselves.
You told me you had no blind-spots when I started talking about them, again directing my gaze away from the truths that could protect me from those blind spots.

As I fell madly in love with you on my first session with MDMA and mushrooms, I started channeling and I made numerous requests for the safety of all:

1) That you stop charging me for a session that found you asking me to lay on top of you, French kissing you and being French-kissed and talking at a depth that few lovers go to.
2) That you help me integrate the session over the next 9 months so that I could integrate these very different parts of myself.
3) That you help me find my voice and way to contribute in the community - something that was very hard with my PTSD symptoms.
4) That your love was the most important thing.
5) To learn to be of service: to take a stand for me.
6) I asked you to clarify where we stood as a couple outside of the session, since I was now madly in love and the whole thing was completely new for me: my first man, my first lover relationship with a therapist, my first open relationship, my first time feeling this way for a man etc. etc. and I don't feel safe not knowing what's going on.

You refused each of these requests with silence or repeated refusal. The next day, while I was stretching as far as I've ever been to make sense of all of this, you were late for our container and neither answered your phone or told me you would be late, precipitating a re-enactment of a deep childhood betrayal that it is the job of all therapists to avoid - particularly when taking their clients in deep over their head into terrain they are not prepared to deal with on the basis of a promise to protect.

You stalled me for six months. You criticized my gifts. You ignored e-mails. You told me it was all my fault and I needed to do my own work. You told me I should marry a woman in Thailand I had known from a week, claiming psychic powers to see what was "my most brilliant future."

The result of this protocol of "healing" was catastrophic. Terrified, alone, confused and exhausted I tried to marry the woman you recommended. It was a horrific math from the start. I was trying to please you because I needed help from someone and you were the only one there. It hurt both our lives. She lost a job and a PHD thesis trying to deal with PTSD that you had escalated and I did not yet have a name for. I lost $60,000. and was re-traumatized by her repeatedly. Yet again and again you told me: This is the most brilliant possibility for your future. Keep it up. Just do this. Now try this. You would give me none of the clarity or help I needed from you, but all the time in the world to facilitate a relationship that never should have been.

When I could no longer drive due to explosive emotions I told the entire story in a 45 minute audio recording to the entire HAI facilitator body. I asked for one thing: Since I nearly killed someone on the road that day and I was so nervous I could not calm down and had no one to hug and help me lower my cortesol, I asked every facilitator (I'm in San Rafael so this is not a  big stretch for Anne, Sarah, the Rengals who are all within minutes of my house to hold me and listen to me.
That's when my real nightmare began:

1) Peter called to tell me that he would never trust me again for the rest of this lifetime, emphasizing again that this was all my fault.

2) Jason called to tell me that they would all have a meeting to discuss it but I was not invited (Peter was, the first break on HAI's part with a traumatic response protocol that works).

3) I was still in shock/trauma and did not have a name for it, so I was in suspended helplessness - the biggest cause that precipitates PTSD.

4) No one called to listen or hold me.

5) I asked Peter to spent an immediate 12 hours with me unpacking this whole thing to help me integrate what had been bottled up for months. He gave me four hours that were fabulous and then abandoned me as soon as he got me to send an e-mail to all the facilitators asking them not to fire him, which he told me could happen. Once he had convinced them that I had exaggerated and was supported, he never again showed up in the same way.

6) Anne did not believe me and I had to dig up the 10 hour recording to prove every point, making me re-live the trauma.

7) No one ever did show up to hold me. No one asked for the whole story.

8) Jason sent me a legal document to sign, asking me to promise to never tell anyone ever about anything that happened. This is escalating loneliness from having to carry Peter Sandhill's shame to having to carry the shame and secrets of an entire organization: My heroes asking me to hide the most beautiful and painful moments of my life (this is the abuse when taking psychedelics with an abuser: you see your greatest beauty and feel your deepest pain in a confusing jumble).

9) Jason told me repeatedly, despite all rational arguments that I made to the contrary, that this was not a HAI issue. That somehow a world in which everyone won did not include me winning, being seen, loved or cared about in the biggest trauma of my adult life, because HAI wanted to keep me as a secret.

10) Having assured me that this was not a HAI issue, Felicia and Anne Watts went into response mode with an agenda: to make this disappear. The only thing was that loneliness was the single biggest underlying wound to be treated, and I'd been lonely with Peter, lonely with my parents abuse, lonely in the community without being able to be seen, met and understood and now my symptoms were escalating off any chart I knew and Anne, my therapist in five couple relationships within the community, was telling me, "We have not told anyone at all about this - not even the office. We think it's best for you and Peter this way." But I was never asked. And this argument of secrecy was used as the reason I could get no support for my panic attacks.

* This is when Felicia Williams "out of love and kindness," in her words, having decided behind my back that Peter would only now be able to speak with me with another facilitator present, and that none of them were going to open their schedule, creating more helplessness and waiting, that she would give me an hour to use the way she wanted it, not the way I asked. And in that hour she thought it fit to give Peter 30 minutes to dump all his fear, hate and anger at me for ruining his life by not getting over this - something that is very hard to get over when one is in regressed trauma.

11) I communicated that my pain had gone up 500% since contacting the facilitators. I never received a single reply.

12) They ignored me, refused to read my requests for help, hear my anger or honor my feelings. 

13) It was not until I threatened to sue every single facilitator that they were able to send me a few bread-crumbs: In response to more than 15 areas I stated where I felt violated, betrayed, shamed, hurt and mistreated by the entire facilitator body, starting with the fact that they did not care enough about me to even ask anything at all about my past prior to making damaging prescriptions that hurt me and would have hurt me much more if I'd had sex with Peter Sandhill in his house by paying him to have MDMA with him, that they each sent me a legally scripted apology for everything but their impact: "We are so sorry you had such a difficult childhood." That is, some of them managed to do it. 

I disengaged with these people two years ago when I noticed, that while every round of communication had elements of progress (Peter actually apologized on a digital recording for all of this after being threatened with a lawsuit, though he back-peddled by saying "I'm really clear this has nothing to do with me," making it a mixed message at best, and regularly added in other comments that would escalate me again. In the end I could never calm down with a group of people who made it very clear that I and my safety was secondary:

* I was asked not to communicate with Jason Weston by Anne because he was "really busy." I learned from an intern that he was busy pumping up HAI's sales on Facebook.
* Anne shared a confidential document with all the facilitators, including Jason, when it was clear it legally implicated HAI. Her excuse for not asking me: "HAI is my baby, and I felt upset." 
* Peter, having stated that I was so untrustworthy he would never trust me again for a life-time, then mused, head in hands, that "Stan would be turning over in his grave if he saw this - I feel so bad."
* When, needing support, I went to a support group and began trying to explain what was going on, hands went up immediately in my abusers defense: "I don't feel comfortable with you talking about Peter when he is not here." Oh that Peter was able and capable of showing up when it mattered.
* No one at HAI responded to communication that my adrenals had collapsed, that my savings were being burned up, that I could not work. It literally took threatening to sue to get a late and inadequate responses.
* Despite Anne, Peter and every therapist I've talked to agreeing that this was not therapy or abuse, there has been no offer of a refund, no help finding better therapeutic guidance, no questions about what I need. It has been a fight, using precious energy I could little afford, to make headway against a power structure that does not like looking at it's shadow and is willing to sacrifice the safety and lives of their patients if the alternative is too inconvenient.
* Not a single board-member asked to speak to me, and one was evasive when I tried to ask for the e-mail addresses of the other board-members.
* When I said I would not keep quiet all my e-mail accounts mysteriously went dead, thus hammering the nail in the coffin of HAI's ethics by denying a trauma survivor community support at the very moment they need it most.
* Not a single person in this process said once: "Your safety and health is our top priority." That alone, followed by action would have reduced symptoms 40%.
* Sarah, who made an apology two months after being asked for one, missed 50% of my points, made a point of telling me that her husband would always come before anyone else including me, and then never responded when I blew up in response to this being called "an apology." Since two of the facilitators are married to two other facilitators and abuse exists within the facilitator body, should everyone know that they may have to be hurt to protect spousal relationships when the abuse comes to light?

This is abuse. If you don't know, talk with a licensed trauma therapist. The HAI facilitators, they informed me, are not licensed, despite unilaterally recommending each other for all areas of work. There has never been anything close to a statement by any of the four facilitators I have worked with: "We might not be qualified to help you. Get help here."

This site is a beacon of warning for participants who, like me, don't know what they don't know. As HAI likes to say, it's not personal. What that means is that this could happen to anyone at HAI. And it has. One woman is dead as part of this fall-out. I cannot trust a therapist, or find someone capable of handling the terror and aggression built up by years of abuse by people who knew better but put their own interests first. This is wrong. It's also the end of HAI as we know it. I have asked Jason Weston to do the following:

1) Hire a non-profit ethical specialist, a business consultant, and a trauma specialist.
2) Review the recordings, e-mails etc. around this issue which are all in every single facilitator and board-members possession - though most have stated they refuse to read them, making them criminally negligent under the charge of willful ignorance in an abuse situation.
3) Make the findings of these consultants public, along with the recommendation of these consultants public as a statement of commitment that these things will be addressed.
4) State publicly which of the recommendations they will implement and which ones they will not implement and why (Jason just ignores my recommendation, as do the other facilitators without giving any reason for ignoring, which is insulting and should be seen publicly for people to be at choice as to how safe they feel in these areas).
5) I have stated that I will resume dialog once this has been done, because I have lost all trust in these people to do the right thing for themselves, their careers, their organization, their participants and the therapeutic patients they traumatize as a result of poor ethical training. Peter Sandhill has betrayed his HAI agreements, his marital responsibilities (you don't keep secrets with your wife and tell them to your therapeutic clients, last time I read a therapeutic text-book), numerous trauma protocols and has directly and severely damaged multiple lives in the process. HAI's response: Continue to recommend him and control the communication.

Jason has cryptically responded to this by saying: "There is a field, beyond right-doing and wrong-doing. I'll meet you there." As has been his pattern, the olive branch goes unappreciated, un-acknowledged, ignored and instead he responded to the only thing that makes me look bad: In response to my stating that some part of me has been so hurt I want revenge," he zeros into the only thing that looks bad about me but that I'm honest enough to include because my adolescent has wanted revenge my entire life for this silent burden that he's been shamed for, and says "You can hurt HAI (as if pleading with a head of a non-profit to improve their ethics, business practices and stop hurting their clients is a campaign to hurt HAI) but you will probably hurt yourself more and I'm worried for you." So worried in fact that Jason has never done a single thing to support, honor, repair trust or make this right and it's cost me my entire life. This is why it's allergic for me to protect their secrets. In their world they are being extraordinarily patient with a horrible person who does not appreciate their love. And that's exactly the message I get with this kind of response. I know that none of them will have careers once this goes to trial, that there will probably be no more HAI for anyone, that many of them will be bankrupt and the newspapers and the books and the documentary I produce will have the exact opposite impact they are so attached to: Looking good. I don't like being given the reigns to an organization when I'm not fit to run it, can't take care of myself, let alone a bunch of angry, confused interns, many of whom don't feel safe with some of my symptoms and I don't want that pressure when I'm still struggling to sleep well. Yet I also don't want the responsibility that my silence allows the next person to get spun into this hell by people who are so "loving" they won't even invite that person to tell them their impact, let alone repair it. And because we are all so shame-based and emotionally illiterate there is a very real chance that no one will catch it. I say that having observed that I did not understand that Peter abused his role and hurt me in 1993 until after he abused me again in 2014. I felt something was wrong. But he denied it every single time, and I thought I was a great guy so it must be my fault. That cannot happen again. And if you are trusting enough to believe that the Jason Weston who re-instates Peter without ever meeting with me and continues recommending him to unsuspecting clients is going to insure that it does not happen, you have more faith than I can afford after being derailed twice in fifteen years by the same facilitator. I don't want to meet in a field beyond right and wrong -doing. That sounds like Peter's plan after consulting his attorney: "I've consulted with my attorney to see where I stand. Here is what my attorney advised: You, Dane, need to forgive me in the same way the traumatized black people of South Africa forgave their white oppressors. This is the way to peace." This, again, without once asking what I needed for my well-being. Because the black south Africans got to be heard in front of everyone and the abusers apologized in front of everyone. But this time, could we do it without any public apology? Without any apology at all from most of the facilitators? This time I want to keep looking good for everyone else but I'll secretly apologize to you."

I don't want anyone feeling as small as I felt when I realized that I was the only one in this whole conversation whose feelings did not matter, whose finances did not matter, whose relationships and health did not matter to the entire HAI organization. And when that is called "love," it just does not feel like anything I want anything to do with. I begin to understand the women who recoil, who are disgusted and cant wait to get away when I say the word "love." "Love" is a word. When people have associated betrayal, abuse and lies with that word for a whole lifetime, any sane person would want to get away from that word. It becomes disgusting and dangerous.

I have written to the community and received zero support, something that often happens when there is no strong leadership from the head of an organization. This is frankly too difficult and big for the average person who paid $500. to have some fun at HAI to deal with. It is one of the reasons I've decided to make a documentary about the entire issue of trauma, but most particularly the way abuse survivors are induced into a lifetime of loneliness by the trauma-illiteracy of a our culture and the conspiracy to protect popular and/or powerful people who abuse, intentionally or through ignorance. I can survive the mistakes, betrayals, hurts and griefs of parents, teachers and our government as a whole when the truth is known. I can survive the incompetence of untrained therapists trying to be helpful at $175. an hour when the impact is honored. I cannot survive being betrayed and silenced so that "love intimacy and sexuality" can be taught by role models who are not being loving in these areas, and who have never asked me what love looks like to me, choosing instead to tell me over and over again "we love you, " we are just not going to do what it takes to make you feel safe enough to feel that love, or safe enough to feel loved. It's up to you to find your way to our way of seeing love, because we cannot or will not honor what you need to feel loved.

One possibility is a lawsuit. Any court of law, backed by the expert testimony of trauma specialists I've been spending my money to consult with, will affirm that this is bad medicine, bad relationship practice, bad business practice, bad non-profit practice, bad community leadership and leads instead to perpetuating shame, PTSD, fear and ignorance in a power-dynamic between leadership that is not healthy or open. This could lead to HAI being shut down, some facilitators going to jail, an award of $100,000-$2million that is common when abusers are so unequivocally abusing a therapeutic client. 
This is not a world where everyone wins.  Yet a court case breaks the silence. "My abuser was convicted of twenty one accounts of therapeutic negligence, sexual abuse etc. etc. These are the recordings of him saying X and the e-mails of him saying X. These are the recordings and of the entire organization saying and doing X." It heals the loneliness of people not believing me. It heals the shame of no one caring. It heals the anger, hurt and pain of no one caring enough to respond for no other reason than that I said over and over again: "I'm terrified. I'm in pain. I need this. I need this so much." And no one responding.

I don't want you or your seventeen year old daughter to live through this. I did not want Peter or the facilitators to live through this. I asked to be heard and be held. I asked for Jason to make an unpalatable secret a palatable truth by being the fist one to talk about this publicly and committing HAI to learning everything that could be learned.

That was three years ago...
Three years of hell.
Three years of my house not getting built and now needing to sell my land.
Three years of 500% escalated PTSD symptoms which include me being incredibly rude to people who don't deserve it in a compulsiveness I cannot control.
Three years of holding HAI's secret and hoping that someone would be an adult so that the regressed teenager and child I become in trauma does not have to be the parent again.
Three years of lies: "This is not a HAI issue, but could you just sign away your right to ever sue us or ever tell anyone about this, because it's not a HAI issue." I have that document sent in e-mail from Jason Weston before offering me a single ounce of support. Jason could not even reply in a timely manner to his e-mails, something he promised to do at the end after I threatened to sue.

One of the most concerning aspects of trauma research is the degree to which whistle-blowers and trauma survivors are punished directly and indirectly by the community. When someone is in this amount of pain, silence is a form of abandonment. Supporting an abuser without challenge can feel alienating. I've already written to Lynda Cessara, Peter's psychic teacher describing these whole events including the fact that he used his "psychic" gifts to distract attention from the real issues with us and encourage marriage with a Thai woman who was among the most inappropriate relationships of my life, with Peter's influence playing a big role in us meeting, breaking her virginity, damaging her family's reputation for all kinds of complicated Thai cultural reasons Peter didn't feel like learning about, and ended up with her unable to eat for a month and nearly dying. This is what happens when people who think they know what's best for others, who think they are helping, don't bother to gather a single bit of physical, cultural data before assuring someone in a dependent emotional state (falling in love in a regressed state with an abuser on MDMA who is a role model will do this, which is why good therapists don't kiss their patients, charge them for prostituation etc.) over and over again to get married with a complete stranger on the basis of psychic powers. Lynda has not responded or communicated her willingness to suspend co-teaching with Peter. It's interesting, isn't it? Peter has always seemed like a wonderful man to me and most people. I don't think there is any doubt that he has all the positive sides I've always seen in him, or that HAI has all the benefits I've always seen in it. I've invested more than $200,000. in my 30 workshops, therapy, gifts, and large chunks of time off work to write books about it, recommending HAI, traveling for workshops and more time in relationships with thirty HAI graduates since 1993. I can now unequivocally say that each of these relationships contained abuse in the form of unrecognized traumatic symptoms. Sometimes I had all the symptoms. Sometimes she did. Often we both did. And it is negligence to facilitate deep sexual closeness and proximity with a safe sex conversation that does not include a safe-emotional conversation. I wrote a book more than 400 pages long to address this: "Into-me-you-see." Without having any words, because no one would ever agree I was abused or point out my obvious traumatic symptoms, I tried my hardest to explain in this book what made some people tell me I was the most amazing person they ever met and others tell me that I scared them, was not safe for them even though I never raised my voice or used physical violence. I wanted people to read so we could partner to by-pass the abuse. The Norcal Announce e-mail moderator blocked the post, saying it was not an announcement. No one wanted to read a 400 page book, except three people. They learned a lot. But this is a topic we all need to understand in a culture where 60% of the population (120% of every couple) has unacknowledged trauma without the coping skills to deal with it in a healthy way. When I shared all this with Jason Weston, asking him to form a trauma circle on the team to keep participants safe, he was quick to tell me, that while HAI might be committed to a world where everyone wins, "Trauma is not a HAI focus." So presumably the thirty relationships in which I abused or was abused were not enough. Everyone else trusting HAI to know about healthy relationships has to go through the same mysterious loneliness I did, feeling it is all my fault that these things are going on that keep me separate from the deep and safe relationships I have craved but never known how to build, my entire life.

I'm in a much safer relationship now. Even with 500% escalated PTSD symptoms, courtesy of HAI facilitator lack of training and the pattern of blaming the survivor of abuse, not getting them help, I have learned what hurt me. I am a keen observer and so every time my pain, shame, terror spiked I looked at what Anne, Peter, Jason and the other facilitators were doing or not doing at that moment and I built up a corollary pattern. When I met a woman who had experienced more trauma in her life than almost anyone I met, I wanted to help. So I did the exact opposite of HAI in their protocol. I told her everything, included her in everything, told her it was not her fault, held her when her body shook, validated all her feelings, showed no loyalty to her abusers, gave her physical security and watched her blossom the way I've never seen a woman blossom in 18 months. I've been an absolute tyrant in this whole period, having tantrums, bouts of depression, complaining right and left about every noise she makes that startles my PTSD etc. Yet I've never lied to her. I've never left her. I've apologized about 500 times and counting for every single symptom I can't control. And I've explained it all in great depth to her adult self so that when she becomes a three year old helpless child her adult has a few tools to help her. I've taught her meditation, yoga, diary-writing, swimming, business skills and she is now the light of my life. I mention this because this is the power of honesty, the power of courage, the power of knowledge and knowing what you are dealing with. No one told her about trauma either. She lived her whole life being blamed and blaming herself, as I have, and this was our first relationship where two people really cared and actually had the tools, courtesy of Bessel Van Der book, of how to respond.

My biggest anger: She gets the brunt of escalated PTSD symptoms because I've grown up around cowards who were too full of themselves to admit mistakes and do what it takes to take the load back off my back.
My biggest fear: If I sue HAI she is going to have to live through a man reliving his traumas to protect other people, because individuals who claim the right to be teachers, therapists and community leaders have refused for 15 years to hear their impact and be responsible for it, which means that no one is fully safe in these areas within the community.
My biggest responsibility: To my health, to my relationship, and to do what I can to stop other people, with less resources in time and money, from spending money the need to be abused by people who either can't stop themselves or who don't want to know what is needed.

I ask for your help. Given or not, this arena is sacred and will be documented. This is the area in our culture where innocence, trust, beauty and joy are transformed into pain, rage, violence, betrayal, shame and disconnection. The understanding in this terrain is sacred because we are losing good people into these vortices's of  trauma every day and they have not been empowered to protect themselves. That is my work: to flood light what goes on, the mechanism, and what to do about it. If you are in this field I cannot offer you anonymity. We need to break the silence, so you are free to be a seen voice in this terrain or an invisible one, but part of my documentary is about how a community does and does not respond to abuse, and why. I would also add, that while the courts are a penal system of justice and that's all that is available to any abuse survivor when their abusers do not understand or refuse to participate willingly, every abuser has learned that abuse from this culture. It is not people who are bad, it's systems and protocols that are bad. That's why one of two things will happen:

1) HAI will willingly embrace professionally resourced effective protocols for trauma response and abuse using the best data available. These will be public so that everyone knows when a protocol is being honored or violated, and a response to violation will be in place that is effective. We will see a community come together, face it's shadow and shame, and heal it with the very best tools available.

2) Or HAI will be shut down in a court process that it cannot survive because every one of the positions it is holding in this domain is flawed. The position that refunds are not given when clients are abused is flawed. The position that shame-survivors keep their abuser's secrets is flawed. etc. etc.

3) I will be working in any way I can to develop the technology that allows willing people to recognize trauma, respond to it, and create healthier relationships. This has been so painful I've needed a reason to live and I've made this my reason. I have formed a non-profit 501c3: Happiness Data and since I don't want HAI's shut down to cost the community the many positive things HAI has been a part of, I'm working very hard to develop a $30,000. for free that is going to address all the shadowy sides I've experienced in myself and the community and make it available for free to any organization or individual what wants to experience 10X growth in effectiveness. There are many new technologies, medicines and research coming online and I will be working to make that available. Your help is most welcome in any of this work.

I do not expect you to intuit or focus on how much I have and had to go through to write this. The hundreds of ours it takes to  put deep secrets into words without re-triggering the trauma all over again and regressing myself into a terrified five year old or an enraged and helpless adolescent trying to respond to things no child can respond to. Most of us have repressed traumas of our own and that's what comes up when reading about someone else's, which makes us self-centered: the message of trauma being "forget everything but yourself  you are in danger." But suffice it to say that when you know you will be killed for telling an abuser's secret at five years old and the contract with the abuser is: "You let me live and I won't tell." When you desperately need love and the contract with the abuser is "You don't tell, and I will give you love, or at least say I love you," it is physiologically gut-wrenching to break those contracts. And no child or adult should have those contracts with their teachers or therapists in a paradigm of "Love, intimacy, sexuality and a world where everyone wins." It may be a win to stay alive and be silent. But the cost is a lifetime of depression and fear. It's not the kind of win we get when parents know how to be parents, when the safety of the child is primary, when the health of the therapeutic patient trumps the ego of their therapists, and when leadership is willing to bow and apologize, rather than shame and punish. It is not lost on me how much money and hate is being directed towards Edward Snowden and Julian Assange. They told the truth and were punished by the power structure. I think Julian knows abuse like I do or it would not be that important to him. In an unhealthy culture one is punished in direct proportion to the challenge to an unhealthy power-structure. This tends to ripple out as a consistent pattern in parents, teachers, employers, men with more money, large companies and the governmental power structures. It must be healed on all of these levels to have a world that is safe for any of us.

If you think you have something to contribute to this space you can share it. It may be part of the documentary or simply be a way you can participate in something you believe in. I believe in transparency. That way we know who is carrying what mental/emotional/physical disease and can protect ourselves. This is a rare opportunity for light and transformation and you are welcome to be a part of it. I will apologize in advance for all my mistakes. I'm human and pain does not bring out the best in most of us.

When pain is high and no one will listen, kids pick up guns and shoot up schools. When pain is high and no one will listen people withdraw, as I have from the community and the facilitator body. But with that pain comes a responsibility to protect the next man. And that's why, in my own time,  I will be requesting each of the facilitators in turn to join me in court. There, under the witness of twelve strangers and with the guidance of licensed experts in trauma and ethics, I hope that the facilitators will learn a very costly lesson at this point: that a doctor always puts the safety of their patient first. It is the most sacred contract of a healer. It is a broken contract that must be restored for the health of the community, the families of the facilitators, myself and the next person. I hope that my documentary will make this situation, which is happening all around the world as we speak to hundreds of thousands of individuals, to feel less lonely and more empowered. 


Dane Rose